Flag Day
by kkbeatlesfan
Summary: Stephen Colbert decides he just can't wait for the Fourth of July to come, so he insists on holding a backyard barbecue on Flag Day, June 14th. Oneshot.


**Title: **Flag Day

**Author: **kkbeatlesfan

**Characters: **"Stephen," Jon, Paul Dinello

**Rating: **PG-13 for language

**Summary: **Stephen holds the first annual "Colbert Flag Day Function" in honor of his new favorite holiday, Flag Day, because he just can't wait until the Fourth of July.

**Disclaimer: **All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.

**Author's Note: I wrote this on a whim as a weird birthday present to myself (Flag Day is my birthday! So patriotic!), and I really enjoyed writing it, so I really hope you enjoy reading it. Party on.**

Jon Stewart was just about to finish the last of his morning crossword puzzle from the newspaper until the ringing of is cell phone pierced the peaceful silence. He pawed at the right pocket of his khaki pants, then the left, before noticing his iPhone resting beside him on the table. The familiar face glowed across the small screen: Stephen. He answered with a drowsy hello to only be confronted with an energy that a first grader jacked up on Mountain Dew couldn't match.

"Jon? Are you up?" he cheered, sounding about ready to burst.

"Yeah… I'm up. What's wrong, Stephen?"

"Nothing's wrong, Jon… it's Flag Day!"

"It's what?" Jon examined the calendar stationed beside him on the table. June 14th: it was indeed Flag Day, whatever that meant.

"Yeah, so?"

"So… I'm having a barbecue… tonight, my house. And you, Tracey and the kids are all invited!"

Jon glanced at the calendar again. The space for Thursday, June 14th was completely blank, so he decided to take Stephen's offer.

"Okay, I'll be there!" he replied, now just a bit more chipper, but still at no level of competing with his good friend. After exchanging goodbyes, they hung up and Jon went back to figuring out that pesky answer to 16 Down.

Stephen was thrilled that his plans for the first ever Colbert Flag Day Function were finally coming into place, and he was even more excited that Evie gave it the go-ahead. They already had everything they needed: steaks, hot dogs (kosher ones, of course), potato salad, a cake specially decorated to look like the American flag, and huge amounts of his own Americone Dream ice cream. Of course, he just happened to have some leftover patriotically-decorated paper plates, cups, and napkins from last year's Colbert's Fourth Fourth of July Jubilee ready to be used. Evie wrapped some leftover red, white, and blue streamers along the patio as decoration as Stephen called the last two people on his guest list: Paul Dinello and Steve Carell. He dialed the number for Paul's phone first, and his friend picked up on the sixth ring.

"Hello?" he asked sleepily.

"Hey, Paul! I was just wondering if you'd like to come to my Flag Day party tonight…"

"Flag Day? Who the hell celebrates Flag Day?"

There was a long pause.

"Stephen… are y…"

"I do."

"Yeah… okay, I'll be there. Want me to bring anything?"

"No, I've already got everything set."

After getting off the phone with Paul, he dialed Steve, who he had heard was actually back in town for once. Steve picked up and said that he would also be attending the big bash, mainly to see his old friends, but he also really didn't understand what the fuss about Flag Day was all about.

"How could you be so naïve, Steve? Flag Day commemorates the adoption of our flag by our forefathers way back in 1777!"

"Okay… but why not just wait until the Fourth of July to celebrate the birth of our entire nation in 1776?" Steve questioned.

Stephen had answered Steve the exact same way he had when Evie had asked the same question: "There's nothing to calm me down after Easter!"

Steve just laughed, RSVP'ed his spot, and hung up.

Out of the thirty-five people on the original guest list, twenty chose to attend, leaving a good amount of extra food for the people who would be coming.

Stephen checked his watch: it was quarter to six, and the guests would be arriving soon. He surveyed the backyard and the tables on the patio now filled with trays of snacks, then turned away from it all as he munched on a ranch dressing-coated carrot stick to do a final salute to Old Glory. The flag was stationed on a tall pole in the corner of the yard, waving proudly in the wind.

"I pledge allegiance to the… WHAT THE HELL?"

Evie sprinted outside with another tray of munchies in hand, thinking her husband was seriously hurt.

"What? What's wrong?" she gasped.

Stephen just wagged his index finger at the flag and rubbed his eyes under his glasses. Evie shielded her eyes from the sun to see that their backyard shrine of patriotism was now nearly torn in half.

"Oh no! That must have happened last night during the storm!" she sighed, not nearly as devastated as Stephen was. "I guess we'll have to get a new one."

He looked at her with a fire burning in his eyes as he faced the shredded flag.

"Get a new one? How am I supposed to get a new one now? The party starts in ten minutes!"

"You seriously can't go through this party without getting a new one?"

"No! We've worked too hard on this! The flag is supposed to be center stage today!"

"Okay, if it means that much to you, you can go get a new one right now… and could you go to Bed Bath and Beyond for me to get a new galvanized metal bucket to put ice in for the drinks?"

Without another word, Stephen headed around the front of the house to find Paul and Jon already ringing the doorbell. He silently cursed as he approached them, and by the looks on their faces, they looked pretty concerned about his appearance.

"Are you okay, man?" Paul asked.

"You can't go in the backyard yet… it's not ready… I'm going to get a new flag."

"What? What's wrong with the old one?" Jon questioned, arms crossed tightly across his grey-shirted chest.

"It's ripped! It's ripped to shreds out there!"

"So… what do you want us to do?"

Stephen rubbed his eyes for a moment to think.

"I don't know… do you want to come with me?"

Jon and Paul exchanged glances before slowly nodding.

"Okay, I guess we can do that," Jon answered.

They all hopped into Stephen's car and started out for their destination: the Home Depot. Along the way, Stephen drummed his fingers nervously on the steering wheel.

"Are Tracey and the kids coming?" he asked to break the silence.

"Yeah, Tracey had to pick up Nate from soccer practice, though, so they'll be by later."

Jon fiddled with the dials of the radio to search for his favorite classic rock radio station, where the disc jockey was busy giving the weather forecast.

"_Clear skies tonight, low of sixty, but tomorrow spotted thunderstorms. That's good news for all you people having Flag Day parties tonight…"_

Stephen immediately perked up as the radio announcer went on.

"_That's right! It's Flag Day today! Does anyone actually celebrate Flag Day? No? Oh well, here's some Springsteen for all you Flag Day celebrators out there!"_

The opening chords of "Born in the U.S.A." flowed out of the speakers, and Jon couldn't stop chuckling at the disc jockey's public diss of Stephen's new favorite holiday.

"What the hell is so funny?" Stephen snapped at Jon from the driver's seat. Paul had made it off easy by keeping his laugh muted as he slid down lower in the back seat.

"At least they noted that Flag Day actually exists!" Jon laughed.

"Paul? What do you… what the hell, Dinello?" Stephen looked in the rearview mirror to see that Paul Dinello was clearly making a joke out of the beloved Flag Day, too.

"Stephen, I'm sorry," he gasped between laughs.

"Shut up."

The remainder of the car ride was silent once again, except for the radio, which was now switched angrily to a different station by Stephen. He flew through the lot at Home Depot and parked the car, hopping out nearly the second he shut off the engine, with the door halfway ajar.

"Wait… do you want us to come in with you?" Jon asked.

He thought for a moment: "Yeah, whatever."

Jon and Paul struggled to keep up with him and his unparalleled amount of energy as they breezed through the parking lot and the large glass doors. An annoying door greeter looked almost horrified at Stephen's pissed-off bravado, but the shriveled old man asked the all-important question that he was getting paid minimum wage to ask.

"Can I help you?" he breathed from behind a podium.

"Flags," Stephen replied vaguely through gritted teeth.

"Oh, they're in aisle 23, by the yard décor…"

"I know," he spat as he headed in the right direction. And he did; he had visited the aisle many times, and usually kept a stockpile of flags at home in case they ripped in the wind, but his time was different. He had foolishly used the last one without replenishing his supply.

Jon was almost a little embarrassed by Stephen's behavior, so he flashed a "don't-mind-him-he's-just-pissy" smile as they walked away.

The tall shelves yielded many different red-white-and-blue flags in bags and boxes that were all priced differently. Stephen grabbed the first one he saw and examined the packaging to see the tag, "Made in China."

"What the hell? We can't even make our own flags anymore?" he huffed as he threw it back on the shelf. He picked up another. Made in Taiwan. And another. Made in Vietnam. And the last: made in Mexico. Jon looked around frantically reading labels until he finally found a good one.

"Here, Stephen. Made in the U.S. of A!"

Stephen grabbed the package, examined it, and tucked it under his arm to head to the checkout.

They arrived back at the party around six-forty to find that all the other guests were already in the backyard. Paul was hauling the large galvanized metal bucket that Evie had wanted from Bed Bath and Beyond, and Stephen was already hurrying to unwrap the new flag.

"You guys can go in the back… eat some snacks, mingle a little bit," Stephen ordered.

Jon grabbed some vegetables from the tray and a cold beer from the cooler as he watched Paul do the same. They spotted Steve Carell in the corner of the yard, looking up at the tattered flag. Jon sauntered over to him to give him a proper greeting.

"How's it going, man?" Jon asked as he patted him on the back, "Don't look at the flag! Stephen doesn't want you to look at the flag!"

Steve and Jon laughed together as they took another drink from their beers.

"It's a nice party… it was nice of Stephen to invite me."

"Yeah, I didn't even know he had anything planned until this morning. He called it the Colbert…"

"Flag Day Function," they said in unison.

"Which I don't really understand… he couldn't come up with a better F-word meaning party?"

"Flag Day Fuckfest?" Jon and Steve burst into laughter.

"No… no… like 'fiesta' or something…"

"Oh, Stephen would say that 'fiesta' is too foreign… not American enough for him."

Steve nodded. "Ah, yes. That's definitely true."

Stephen finally stepped out of the house with the new flag draped over his outstretched arms.

"Okay, everyone! Welcome to the first annual Colbert Flag Day Function!"

"Fuckfest!" Steve whispered over to Jon, who burst into his signature high-pitched giggle.

Everyone gathered around Stephen, but parted to let him through to do the ceremonial honors of raising the new flag. Jon, Stephen, and Steve's children were still running around, but they weren't too keen on the idea of Flag Day anyway. Stephen, with the help of Paul, wheeled the retiring flag down the pole as Jon jokingly pressed his lips together to play a horrid version of Taps without a trumpet. Stephen and Paul folded the old flag neatly and handed it to Evie. Stephen pinned the new American flag to the line and slowly hoisted it up onto the pole. The brilliant colors of the red white and blue flapped wildly in the breeze, and everyone clapped. Some also yawned, but they clapped.

"It looks nice, honey," Evie assured as she hugged him. "And the party's going great."

He kissed her. "Thanks, babe."

The party was a success after they got the new flag. Stephen stood back and admired it for nearly five minutes before John Oliver approached him.

"Great party, Stephen," he commented as he ate a mouthful of cake.

Stephen immediately picked up on his British accent.

"John? Who the hell invited you? You're British!"

"You called me this morning, remember?"

Stephen then took out his cell phone to see who exactly he had called that morning. There it was: John Oliver. Well, he decided he was welcome anyway.

"Ah, just kidding. You know I love you, man."

John smiled. "Thanks."

The party was a smashing success, and at the end of the big bash, everyone joined in on singing the National Anthem. It was a lovely rendition as their voices filled the crisp night air, until they realized they only knew the first few lines. It all ended in mumbles and made up lyrics, but they were all happy, especially when Stephen finished off the night with a roaring speech about the history of Old Glory. Thunderous applause rang out into the night, and Stephen couldn't have felt better. He already was getting prepared for his next Colbert Fifth Fourth of July Jubilee that was only twenty short days away. He couldn't have been more excited as all the guests danced to Bruce Springsteen at the end of the evening.


End file.
